Being second

Most people in life fall in love at least once. That head over heels kind of love that makes you wake up and go to sleep thinking of only them. The kind of love that makes your heat skip beats when you kiss and the kind of love that makes responsibilities go out the window when you're sitting next to each other watching something ridiculous on tv. The kind of love that I think only exists in the books I read. 

It's kind of hard to describe that love when I've never really had it. I mean I have had those feelings when I first meet someone, but eventually it fades, reality sets in and they just never seem to give me that feeling again. 

I wish I could have had that in my life, just once. Then I could understand why a guy treats me as his second best. I could figure out why they can't get let go and why I'm never enough or why he's never enough. It's amazing to witness that love between other people, but the only love I've ever known has been the love that has grown. A boy I loved, but not in the way your supposed to love. My second best has always been him, even though I've never found my first. 

Then I could sit here and be patient and guarded when I start seeing someone. I could be the one to say I want to take things slow because I find it hard to open up again. I have learned to be guarded anyways, but because of all my failed attempts at trying to fall in love. 

Maybe the secret is you just have to wait. It will come along as long as your patient and take things slow, but how in the hell do you do that? I can't help wanting that first love even if I know it's going to leave me someday. 

I just know that I can't be second. I want to come first to someone and hold their attention and I want to feel that way about them. It's not hard for me to put someone else's feelings first, I've been doing it my whole life. I guess there comes a day when you have to start being selfish and stop caring about other people. I guess today is that day. 

I refuse to be someone's second. Don't ever settle people, it gets you no where and it leaves your heart scarred and battered just trying to make someone love you. It doesn't work that way unfortunately, as I have learned, so just be yourself and hope for the best. Don't do things unless you really want to and for once just think about what you want. If you don't succeed, then dust yourself off and try again. :)

Live your life, 

Andi

A new guy

Meeting someone new is always exciting and thrilling, but it's also scary and mysterious. I try not to meet new people because I just don't feel up to the whole idea and process of getting to know someone. I almost always am disappointed or it's over before it starts. 

How can you trust it in the beginning? How do you know it's worth putting yourself out there?

I find that because I have been through the "getting to know" stage over and over, that when I do meet a good guy I doubt it from the first kiss. If I expect nothing then I lose nothing. This way I can't get hurt. 

Is that a good thing though? I mean by the time someone wants to stick around I might be so bitter I would be a miserable girlfriend. I wish I could think positive, but it's so hard when they all start out like this. 

You meet, flirt, and exchange hundreds of cute texts. You talk for hours and can't seem to stop wanting to know more. You light up whenever he calls and you can't get your mind off him. 

That's my favorite part, but in the process of getting to know someone, the questions come. Answers lead to things I might not want to hear or vice versa. But is the chance of finding love worth all that time and effort?

I guess yes, because I keep trying and hoping he'll be the one who keeps me guessing and wondering. I want him to be someone I can hang in and watch movies with or have a night out getting drunk together. I want him to be simple and fun. A nice guy who will just plain want me in all the ways a girl is supposed to. Now is that so hard?

Good luck with that new guy ladies!

Live your life,

Andi

Photo by Jennifer Rose